Hello blog.

I went to KDU and Taylor's today and had the urge to punch their counsellors. I don't even want to talk about it anymore and I feel no shame for yelling at the middle-aged lady, for the reason that my tears were already rolling in my eyes.

I have never felt this uncertain about my future, my life but I am not going to change my mind again, not this time.

Mum actually ask me to consider of switching to another place after AS. At first, it sounded almost insane but now, I am actually thinking about it.

Sigh, all the insecurities and uncertainties. I don't even know what to hold on to anymore...
And I actually still discreetly have faith in someone and something. Perhaps my optimism is still there. 

WHY AREN'T YOU HERE. WHY YOU LEFT. PRICK. That's the inner angry me yelling.
Sigh, I just wish you'd fight, stay and wait. That's the inner fragile me whispering.
Oh I am just fine and happy. That's the Marilyn that everyone expects her to be.

 Hello October.

Surprising how time passes so fast and swiftly. This year has been horrendous, enough said.

You know how people annoy you to an extent where you don't even bother to communicate with them?

Yeah, exactly, cannot wait to leave.

This is probably the first time I get annoyed so much by things, people, surroundings.....just everything. I can't even explain why there is so much of hate inside me. I feel sickened by it, to be honest. I want the amiability back but I am not even making any effort. I just don't want to. That place is just not for me. Don't take me wrong. I love some of the people there. I've made some really lovely friends.

I honestly cannot wait for AS to be over. I cannot wait to suffer for the first six months of 2012 and get the hell out of there and hopefully (fingers crossed tightly) go somewhere new and nice.

I also hope no one finds out my blog. I have no one to tell my feelings to. I actually miss the old days (not so old, just few months back) where I had someone to say, "You have me." to me. Now, I only have my blog.

I need to and cannot wait to start fresh.

当你问我最近还好吗，我真在不知道怎么回答。

我不能告诉你我的真实感受，因为我答应你要忘掉，不会赖着不放。但忘记一个人真的那么容易吗？

你还是原来那个你，只是多了她在身边。我还是原来那个我，只是多了一个伤口。

想要恨你，却没有那个能力。

一想起你，生活突然变得空荡。

我懂, 不用担心太多，我会好好过。

Hello again, lovely blog! I think no one reads my blog now haha, that's why I only say Hi to my blog instead of my readers.



I have had such a difficult and stressful week. I have my pure maths mock on Tuesday and I did horribly. I am not saying this because I didn't have confidence or whatsoever but because I wasn't prepared AT ALL.

I am going to have my first AS paper on the 10th October and I am freaking out! We have like, 18 chapters to memories, which isn't so bad actually. But we have to write 3 essays in 1 and 1/2 hour, now, that IS scary shit. I usually take an hour to finish an essay!

And we have not finished our Literature syllabus. We JUST completed our short stories today and going to finish up our poems tomorrow. And then we have Equus and gonna move on to past year questions.

I know I should be worried about Maths because I only got like, 25/50 for Stats and I bet I am gonna get lower than 30 for pure maths. I have never done THAT horrible for any tests/exams. And everyone is Maths class is so smart and brilliant which makes me feel like an ultimate dumbass :( Thank god I have Jun Hoe haha. Best Maths buddy!

I also have intensive revision class almost EVERYDAY, until 6pm. It is so tiring and I feel so knackered and exhausted everytime I reach home. I slept before 12am in the past two nights because I was too tired to even move.

Right now, I am just going to focus on memorising English Legal System and also try to cope with Literature extra classes (because we will still have 3 classes per week even during our AS exams). Then, concentrate on Econs and Mathematics after Law papers. I am not that worried about Economics, I don't know why, it is not that I am super brilliant at it. I'd like to think that I am just mediocre at every subject, which is sort of depressing. I know I did badly for all my maths quiz and tests but I just need more time to practise more.

Alright, done ranting! I have to go and prepare for my poem presentation tomorrow because I have a selfish and self-centered team mate who wants to do the easier poem. Hmph.

And I have to go to Pavillion tomorrow to get Ally's present and rush to IOI Boulevard for her birthday dinner tomorrow night. Long and busy day ahead!

Hello blog! It's 7:05am now. I have been awake since 4:23am because I went to bed at 12am, many thanks to the massive headache. It feels so weird seeing the skies turn from pitch-black to dawn. It was just like seeing sunrise from my room.

So you know how random thoughts always gush through your head at the oddest time?  I have been thinking about 2011. It is such a shit year, to be honest. I spent the first two months working, slacked for another month then started college. College turns out to be shit as well. Not my ideal type of college, although I have met some really lovely people.

Then, you meet new people in life. Some stay, some leave, some hurt you and walk away. I suppose I just have to accept the fact that people do drift apart. May, June and July were pretty decent, albeit my slight depression in between. Things have gone terribly disastrous in August. So you meet assholes and bitches in life. They make your life worse. But I am going to rise up after getting knocked down by you and become even stronger and better. THEN YOU WILL REGRET.

I cannot wait for 2011 to end. I am going to make 2012 so much better. So hopefully I get into a decent university, do the course that I like and go to a new place, start over and meet new people.

At least I am mature enough to know that life still goes on and you have to forgive some people, forget some bitter memories and forward to a better future.

I shall go get ready for college. AS starts in less than 2 weeks!

Hello, dead blog.

I had the biggest silent emotional breakdown last night. I was utterly confused with my own emotions at that point. Rage, anger, disappointment etc. all jumbled up. You know the feelings you get when expectations turn into disappointment. I should have seen it coming but I was too wrapped up in my little bubble fantasy world.

I saw something on Facebook (heck, knew it wasn't a good idea to get a Facebook account!) and it hit me like a sucker punch. I was so overwhelmed by different sorts of emotions that just made me go speechless. Man, I did not even cry.

I tweeted this though: "So fucking pissed, raged, angry, speechless, devastated....shattered...and just...speechless." and this, "I fucking hate you. You fucking shameless hypocrite. Fuck off, for-fucking-ever.".

I guess I was really really really speechless at that moment.

I do not hate because of what happened, because of what I saw. I hate, because all the promises were just lies. Lies lies lies. Sheer bullshit. I hate the memories. I hate looking back at what I had. I hate having to build up a wall around me, again. I hate constantly pushing people away because I am never good enough for anyone. I HATE BEING FOREVER ALONE (this is a pure lulz). And I really hate, hating people.

Also, hate how I can't hold grudges at all and just forgive people so easily. Oh well, at least I am not as mean and cruel as someone. At least I care. At least I don't hurt people and walk away as if he/she fucking deserves that fucking harsh treatment. Sigh, do I even deserve this?

I never really hate anything/anyone though. I always go back to them, all the time. I always forgive poeple, all the time. I suppose that is why people give up on me so easily, ha-ha.

Oops, anger unleashed.

Oh well, life goes on.

And just in case you've forgotten my face.....


Sorry for the rant though! I have no one to talk to about this (well, I used to have) so I only have my lonely blog. I think we make a perfect pair haha :(

......lol jk.

You know the awkward moment when your horoscope sign says "Your boyfriend....." and you are like, "Lulz wut bf?"

I HATE ALL THE COUPLES AROUND ME. But no, don't break up!

Michelle just said that I have become boring and serious now. I blame A-levels. The Marilyn back in secondary school wasn't THIS plain and boring. But I just feel like I should stop fooling around and really take A-levels seriously because this means, almost, everything to me (My dad is so gonna give me a lecture on this if he sees this).

You know how people say, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." And think more of the exciting things that are gonna take place after my AS!

#1: Year-end trip!
#2: Trip with friends (please let this happen please please please I am so ridiculously excited for this)
#3: My birthday! (Fish says we must go MOS. Or Library. Not like I am against it!)
#4: AS results.........
#5: ....that A-levels is coming to an end, ehehehe.